Confidence
The act of creating nude self-portraits is my rebellion against how I was taught to view myself.
In my late teens my large breasts were the subject of uncomfortable jokes that encouraged me to hide my body. As I gained weight, in my young adulthood, my breasts were less noticeable but the other curves that formed were a new source of shame. After decades of baggy clothes, avoiding mirrors and ignoring who I am, I have come to a point in my life where the destructive thoughts seem pointless. Needing a new direction, I decided to accept my body and share it with others.
With Hesitation I explore the act of looking at myself. It is difficult. I feel naked; watched as I study myself as subject. I look closely at how the exposed curves form and connect. Setting the figures in individual spaces that are my height and width anchors me in reality as my brush plays with where my body ends. The black backgrounds represent the comfort I feel in darkness. The removal of visual stimulus gives me space to think; to figure things out. As I step forward out of the darkness I am comforted by knowing it is still available if I need to retreat.
Thirst manifests from my attempts to find positive feedback about my body. I seek confidence through sharing intimate photos with strangers who appreciate bodies like mine. This allows me to venture away from how I normally carrying myself through exploring different ways to present my body. Cropping gives me control of my viewer, providing a puzzle to be assembled. A puzzle to which the pieces I can steal when my confidence is low.
In Variance I seek my place in painting. I insert myself in the artificial world of gold framed nudes in museums. Neglecting the original backgrounds, I focus on the nude and altering her to my form. I question which parts of my body do not belong as I make room to claim my own space and control my viewers gaze.
