I haven't posted a blog in a long time. I write a lot but haven't felt any of it has been worthy of sharing. Lately I've been thinking about changing how I view this blog. In the past I have written on a subject and posted a link to my social media. I don't promote any of my social media because I'm not really interested in being entertaining. I'm fine if people find me entertaining but it isn't why I share. I share because I know there are people who need to see different points of view. Some of them want to see different points of view but some of them need to see a view that is different from theirs even if it's not what they want. I don't want to shove my view in their faces. My goal is to share and those who find it were meant to have the experience of finding me. I'm not a fatalist. I do believe we can change our path. Not pushing my thoughts on others is more about my personality. When I first started posting blogs I felt pressure to say something meaningful. It wasn't pressure from any outside source. It was the idea that what I had to say wasn't worth sharing unless it was meaningful. I suppose that idea developed during my childhood. Growing up with a bunch of siblings, it required real effort to be heard. Choosing when to speak up... let's be honest, yell to be heard, required a cost benefit evaluation. The condescension towards ignorance in our household increased the cost of speaking up. I was terrified of being told a 'stupid answer' in response to my 'stupid question' and the laughter targeted at me that would follow. Now, over 30 years out of that childhood, and armed with the internet to run my stupid questions through, I feel much more worthy of sharing.
I don't really worry about the costs of sharing now other than how to I want to spend my time. I have a need to write. It keeps me balanced. It's how I evaluate myself and who I want to be going forward. We all change, whether we like it or not. I'd rather grab the reigns and direct myself into a preferred direction. Sure, that desire is an indication that I have control issues. Those issues are rooted deep in the chaos of my childhood. But I also have a need for freedom which is rooted in the attempts of religious control of my childhood and my adulthood. Trying to ride the line between enough control to achieve my goals and enough freedom to have the experiences I desire requires me to write.
There is something about putting my thoughts into written words that helps me see them more clearly. Maybe it's my visual nature. I have a great visual memory and learn best visually. I can remember faces for a long time but have a horrible time remembering names unless I see them written down. I remember them much better if I write them myself. Writing things down helps me find my way. But it can be time consuming -especially if I concern myself with having something meaningful to say or being careful not to say something stupid.
To cut the cost of spending time writing I have decided to use my blog as more of a diary. I currently keep a diary in the notes on my phone. I am hesitant to write the way I do in that diary because I name people who likely wouldn't want my thoughts about them posted online -even if nobody reads it. Instead I want to write vaguely about my process of finding my way.
My life is going through a lot of changes. These changes began in 2019. I had reached the end of what I thought I could do with my life so I made some drastic changes to my marriage, started expanding my personal experiences and sold the home we had lived in for almost 15 years. In March of 2020 my husband and I decided we were going to get divorced. Then the pandemic shut everything down and put everything on hold. In 2020 I was eager and confident I could exist on my own. Spending the last 3 years waiting has corroded my confidence in providing for myself, pushed me into the 50 and over job seeker crowd, and made my sparse resume look even worse than it already did. I am still very eager to venture out on my own and the last 3 years has had some real benefits. I have been lucky enough to spend equality time with my kids getting to know them as adults and my husband and I have a much better relationship which will benefit all of us after we divorce. Also spending the last 3 years painting has been wonderful. My skills have improved and I have a comfort with my body that I could only achieve by spending hours studying myself. It would be wonderful to just spend the rest of my life painting but that isn't how America works. I have to find a source of consistent financial support. It is unlikely to come from painting. I should have gotten back into the work force sooner. But I am where I am. I have given myself a deadline of August 31st to be out of my husband's house. He is ready to start his single life and I am in his way -he doesn't tell me that, I just know I am. Our youngest is moving out this summer. Once I do too, my husband will be able to live alone for the first time in his life.
The last 4 years have been full of change. Some of it has been a bit slow for my taste but all of it was necessary and took the time it required. The last big changes are coming up in the next few months. I plan to write about them in this diary. I don't know if anyone will ever read about them but that doesn't matter. This is about just putting myself out into the world as I am in the moment that I write each post. If someone benefits from it that is wonderful and makes me really happy. If not, that's ok too.
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