I've been having fun playing with polymer clay. I got interested in it through my art instagram. Some polymer clay started showing up in my suggestions and it looked fun. I've always wanted to get into clay but it requires a kiln which is expensive. Also I don't think I have the strength to really explore natural clay. My hands are really good at long periods of delicate work. I can paint all day without an issue but if I do anything that requires force from my hands they burn out in a few minutes and are sore for a long time. It doesn't feel like normal joint pain. It feels like my skin and muscles have been abused. I think it's genetic. I also have joint hypermobility in my left hand. We called it double jointed when I was a kid. It was fun to freak people out with my kinked up witch hand. (I painted it in my painting "Witch's Apple") I've read people with joint hypermobility can also have trouble building muscles. I've always struggled with building muscle, especially in my arms and hands. Polymer clay is much easier to manipulate. Mixing the colors reminds me of paint mixing. The consistency is different but my expectations of the color I will get from mixing them is similar. Color mixing is one of my most favorite things to do. Sometimes I spend an entire day mixing paint colors. It is very satisfying. There are lots of things I see on instagram I want to try. Polymer clay is a cheaper one and I already had a collection of tools I could use. So I tried it.
It has been a good stress reliever. New things cause stress for some people but a new art project engages my mind and focuses me on solving the process. It's a great distraction from the old tired problems in my life. Today I was getting my paint room cleaned up and trying to solve some of those old problems. I cleaned up the clay to get it out of the way. As soon as I started looking at my bills and planning for the next few months I started feeling sick. It makes me feel disappointed in myself. I know it's mental but it drained my energy. It happened fast. I didn't used to have low energy issues. It started happening a couple months ago. I have felt stressed by my problems before but it didn't used to drain my energy. I never used to get tired unless there was a direct physical reason. I even struggle to fall asleep at night and never used to nap during the day. Today I took a nap.
Even when I was anemic 4 years ago I did not have fatigue. I was surprised when my doctor suggested we check me for anemia due to heavy periods and he was right. He said sometimes physical energy isn't affected. My nails and hair were getting brittle and I was mentally tired. I had given up on a lot of the things I cared about. I had stopped trying to negotiate with my husband and just did whatever he wanted. I wasn't painting. I felt like there was no point to my life and the fights I cared about were no longer worth fighting. I still cared but I didn't have the brain power to fight. I was walking a lot which I shouldn't have had the energy to do but my brain was suffering to keep my physical energy up.
Lately I've been struggling with both. I had a hysterectomy almost 3 years ago so I should be in menopause. I haven't had any obvious symptoms like hot flashes or irritability. The fatigue is really my only symptom. I really think it is more related to the changes in my life that are not inside my body. I feel like I used up my energy fighting for my marriage, fighting for my children, and fighting to complete my education. Now that my marriage is ending, my children are raised, and my degree is finally complete and I have the opportunity to make my life be about only me, I don't have much energy left to fight for myself.
Playing with the clay boosted my energy. Painting always energizes me. But I don't have the opportunity to spend my life creating art. It would be nice but it just isn't realistic. The fight to build a life that balances making money and creating art feels exhausting. I think there is something wrong with me. I should be excited and energized to finally be in a position to fight for the life I want. I'm just not.
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