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kristinalacain

Assumptions

I've been thinking about the assumptions people make about other people. I've listened to people make comments about others based on second hand information too many times to count. Sometimes it is actually an accurate comment but most of the times it is more about the individual making the comment than the person they are commenting about. Humans tend to project their own experience on others. It can be useful. Thinking about others and how we would respond to their situation can help us understand ourselves better, if we are open to the self reflection. For example, A friend made a comment about someone who had lost a bunch of weight that coincided with a leg surgery. The friend said the person must have had gastric bypass surgery and hidden it behind a fake leg issue. Years later the friend that made the accusation had gastric bypass surgery. The desire to have the surgery put the idea forward in the friend's thoughts when seeing someone lose weight. The weight loss could have just as easily been from fixing a leg problem that made exercise difficult. Or they just had a renewed commitment to weight loss. I have received numerous comments in my life in which the person assumes I want to lose weight. That tells me the person making the comment, whether they are fat or not, fears being fat. A person doesn't have to be fat to be constantly focused on fatness. But also, a person who is fat doesn't have to be focused on weight loss. I've lived both with and without an obsession with fat.


Up until I was 46 years old I lived in a world obsessed with fat. I truly believed I could not be happy as a fat person. Not only that, I also believed I didn't deserve to be happy. Looking back it seems ridiculous. It only seems ridiculous because I no longer hate being fat. I am no longer waiting until I'm within the normal BMI range to seek the things I want in life. I used to avoid looking at myself. I avoided touching myself. Now I enjoy running my hands along my curves and studying the wonderful shadows that accent my three dimensional form and I enjoy finding and making clothes that show off my curvy body. At my last medical checkup my doctor talked to me about injections for weight loss. I get queazy at the site of needles. Daily injections sound like a nightmare. But also now, for the first time in my life, I don't want to lose my curves. I'd exchange some fat for muscle because there are things I'd like to do that are beyond my physical strength but at an equal exchange. My doctor seemed irritated that I didn't want to lose weight. He has never pestered me about weight loss before, probably because I haven't had the health issues associated with fat. When I complained about fatigue he immediately blamed my fat. I am sure carrying my fat doesn't help my energy level but I am also at an age when bodies tend to change. He didn't inquire about other issues. I started taking a multi-vitamin and I am feeling better. That makes me think I had some kind of vitamin deficiency but I don't know which one. His assumptions give him an inability to see past my weight leaving me to try to figure it out on my own. He's a nice man with a lot of patients. Our medical system is poorly designed leaving most people to figure out their health issues on their own. A society also hung up on equating thinness with health makes the system nearly impossible for fat people to be treated properly. The fact is each person's body reacts differently to fat. There is no way to diagnose a person based on their BMI. Every condition blamed on fat has been diagnosed in a person who isn't fat. There are always other factors that need to be acknowledged and addressed. Assuming it is purely because of fat hurts patients and delays proper diagnosis. A person cannot lose 100 pounds overnight. It isn't helpful to tell them to come back after they lose weight or send them home resigned to their fate of chronic illness when something would be done for a thin person. Whatever is being done for the thin person with the same condition should be done for the fat person with the condition.


I recently posted about feeling yucky. In doing so I talked about the stresses in my life. Stress is a bigger issue for me than my weight. I am a fixer. I see problems and want to fix them. I can't fix every problem and not everyone wants their problems fixed. To help lower my stress trying to focus on my own life and my own problems. I stepped back from those who stress me out. I have been doing the things I want to do. There are limitations. Mostly financial. Leaving a nearly 30 year relationship is very stressful but that doesn't mean my husband and I are suffering because of the separation. People who can't imagine life without their spouse or people who have had a rough divorce will likely make assumptions about our experience. We are not angry with each other. One of us is not leaving the other. It is a mutual. We both want to be on our own. We both want a divorce. We want different things from life and wish each other well. It hasn't been easy. We decided 3 years ago that we should get a divorce. It was right before the country shutdown in 2020. It wasn't a good time to separate. We had personality conflicts. We had old injuries to work through. My husband didn't understand how to run a household or budget. I had one semester of college left and I've had trouble finding a job. Our young adult child has been living with us. I'm sure there are other things that I'm not thinking of. We have used the opportunity of not being able to separate to work on our issues. We have used the time well and made a lot of progress on our issues. Some of them can't be worked on until we are on our own. Living with the same person for 30 years creates some habits that can only be changed by a change of living situation. The end of our marriage is a good thing. We can't grow as individuals while we are still together. We also don't see the end of our marriage as a failure. Our marriage has been a success, it's just time for it to end. We are both looking forward to our single lives. No one should assume their experience is ours.

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