Unfuckable

In April 2019 I thought I was ugly and unfuckable. The reasons I felt that way are complex. They involve relationship, societal and family dynamics; especially the things people said and did not say to me about my body and my right to exist as a unique individual with bodily autonomy. But ultimately not being told I am beautiful or even attractive was the biggest factor. Not everyone needs to hear those words but those words can go a long way in combating the other factors that destroy self-esteem or prevent it from building in the first place.

After I made some unusual decisions in my life in an effort to inspire change, at 46 years old, I started posting nude photos of myself on Reddit in BBW communities. I had never used the internet for pornography. I know it's been popular for a long time but it wasn't available when I was a becoming an adult. As an adult I had been very focused on my family.

Looking back, through the years that I was entirely focused on my family, I am confident discovering the BBW communities earlier would have saved me a lot pain. I found kindness and support among the people who find people like me attractive. I have never been into makeup or interested in follow the latest trend. All I needed was some genuine compliments about me.

As my self-esteem grew I wanted to find a love for my own body. I wanted to understand what they appreciated. I was surprised when someone complimented the way my breasts hung. They have always hung, even when they first came in. It didn't occur to me that the hang was common and natural for large breasts. I was sheltered from seeing breasts when I was beginning adolescence and too busy with serious adult problems in my later teens to spend time watching movies with large-breasted nudity. I was surprised when someone asked me to stop covering the overhang of my belly. I was surprised my large thighs and large high-rise butt were a big attractions. I was surprised that so many people told me I am beautiful.

My reaction to things I don't understand is investigation. I needed to study my body. I needed to find the beauty they saw. Because paint is the love of my life and I hated self-portrait school assignments, I decided to study my body through paint. If I was serious about it I could not hide behind clothing so nudity was required.

After 5 years of spending lots of time nude looking at every detail of my body I now love being nude. I love my body including the large curves and variety of marks that I thought made me ugly and unfuckable.
Finding love for myself has helped me see I am actual very fuckable and so much more.