Memories of Grandpa Joe

On April 18, 2025 I installed these pieces together for a public critique

Instructions for the viewer/critics:

This is a performance art/critique hybrid

I am in character as myself trying to remember and understand my earliest artistic influence, my grandpa Joe, 1919-2009

You may touch things you think are ok to touch

You may look around at the pieces I have made and displayed about him throughout the critique

You may ask me questions while I work

You may give any kind of critique about the work as if I am not in character

You are encouraged to respond to each other’s questions and comments

I ask that these verbalizations happen one at a time and loud enough for everyone to hear

The Sting That Lasts a Lifetime, 2025

Overalls (grandpa's favorite clothes), white paint, my hand, sharpie, the memory of my grandpa slapping me on the ass in July 1997, when I was 150 lbs, 6 months after giving birth to my first child, at the baby shower I was throwing for my 8-month pregnant 16-year-old sister and telling me "You're getting fat."

Grandpa Joe Always Mowed Around the Periwinkle, 2025

Cardboard, cardstock, floral wire, ribbon, thread, my son asking about grandpa Joe and the periwinkle, memory of grandpa’s yard with random tufts of periwinkle and grass

My Only Painting Lesson with Grandpa Joe, 2025

Painting my grandpa and I made when I was around 8, nails through the holes used to hang the painting in his shop

Grandpa Joe’s Railroad Painting, 2025

Grandpa’s painting, grandpa’s framing, grandpa’s old sign scrap, photo of grandpa, label, note, duct tape in grandpa’s favorite color

Was It (mama bird feeding her babies) a Dollar (mama bird feeding her babies) or a Penny (mama bird feeding her babies)?, 2025

Dollar, penny, foil, armature wire, polymer clay, memory of watching a mama bird feed her babies while my grandparents burdened me with their regret, my grandpa's little book he made, poem I wrote in 2017

Grandpa Joe’s Feet Need to Breathe, 2025

Thrift store shoes, duct tape, memory of my grandpa telling me about being forced to wear shoes for the first time as a teenager, memory of grandpa cutting the toes out of his shoes when he had Alzheimer’s disease

Grandpa Joe’s Garden, 2025

Thrift shop window shades, tissue paper, markers, scissors, memories of my grandpa’s garden and stories of the place he grew up, memory of the map he drew for me, obsession of where I put his map, fear I lost his map, hope I put his map in such a good safe place that it is even protected from me finding it, stomachache, failure, anger, IBS

Trying to Replicate Grandpa Joe’s Painting Kit, 2025

Paper, pencil, cardboard, blade, my duct tape, different size tin cans, blurry memory of my grandpa’s kit

Don’t Get a BFA. Join AMWAY!, 2025

Brown paper from art supplies I ordered, charcoal, perforation wheel, corkboard, chalk sock, paint, paper paint tub, paint brushes, memory of watching my grandpa make patterns and paint, memory of him telling me not to get a BFA and to get rich from Amway instead so I could do art as a hobby, memory of sitting in the driveway playing next to the Amway logo he painted on his white station wagon

How Did He Make His Paper Paint Tubs?, 2025

Cardstock, graphite, memory of my grandpa showing me how to make a paper paint tub

Potential Collaboration, 2025

Grandpa’s painting (that hung in my childhood home) that my mother gave me after she accidently punched a giant hole in it (repaired), frame that grandpa attached to the painting with an enormous amount of duct tape (removed), easel, table, empty chair, glass palette with paint I can’t seem to apply to the repair, clean paint brushes, needles embroidery floss I really want to sewing into the painting but can’t seem to do

Planes Had Cloth Wings?!, 2025

Wire, polymer clay, paint, cloth, resin, memory of grandpa telling me about learning to sew in the army because he wanted to fly but couldn’t because he was colorblind so they had him sew the cloth on wings and apply dope which was a hardener and he secretly showed me photos of the pinups he painted on the nose of the planes

Red and Green Look Brown, 2025

Paper paint tubs, resin, ink, memory of helping grandpa identify which paints were red and green

STICKY FAILURE

Red and Green Look Brown, 2025

Paper paint tubs, paint, memory of helping grandpa identify which paints were red and green

Ok, so you made it all the way to the bottom of the page! This is a bit of a rambling evaluation of this experience and circumstances surrounding it.

I took a couple of elective classes that I thought would help me with storytelling. One was about space and time and art. It helped me think about non-linear storytelling. The other was about performance art. I was in a play in high school. It terrified me. My sister pressured me to audition. I got in but I had extreme stage fright and learned I am not an actor. I was a volunteer scenic artist at my community theatre for 10 years when my kids were growing up but I did not participate in the live shows. I didn't even want to help with crew because I worried I would freeze up, forget to do something and ruin the show for everyone.

Since I started exposing myself online and taking an SSRI I have had less and less stage fright.

Although I try to focus on being myself online there can be an element of performance when playing in a fantasy with someone. I am still not an actor but I do enjoy diving into the performance art aspects of the specific topics I am interested in exploring. This installation is about that exploration.

It is a half-step. The explicit nature of a lot of my work distracts people from other elements I need to work through and develop. Removing the nudity and sex allows me to try out ways to tell non-linear stories and elements of uncomfortable performance without the feedback being focused on the sex and nudity.

I have stories to explore that are about the dysfunctional family dynamics of my childhood and my unhealthy 30 year marriage. I have struggled to create art that represents these stories in a way that feels right. This is my first attempt that feels like I am on the right track. A lot of this installation didn't work but the location and audience had a lot to do with that. Those that did engage with the work gave me enough feedback to understand some changes to make.

I am interested in uncomfortable performance. By that I mean the things that make people feel unsure of their place and what they should be doing. This desire is connected to feeling like an outsider in my own family while growing up. I don't want to give my audience/viewer more instruction than they need. I don't want an audience/viewer that wants to be spoon fed. My work isn't for them. I want an invested audience/viewer. I want an audience/viewer that likes the uncomfortable moments and wants to explore them. I have been able to find that online but finding ways to find it in-person is difficult.

This installation made people uncomfortable but they mostly weren't the kind of people who wanted to be uncomfortable and my critique took place at the end of a long day with 5 hours of critique before me. Even if I was earlier I don't think it would have gone well. I'd prefer to find some people interested in experimental installation that I could set up and change multiple times to see if their experience changes. I did that a bit with my pornography installation but that had a wider audience and was in a public space for a longer period of time. After finding those ways to connect with my desired audience I think I can add opportunities for viewers that aren't interested in the uncomfortable. If I add them now they distract from the uncomfortable.

I'd like to find other opportunities to create installations and perform an honest version of myself for the viewer to interact with and ask questions. There is something about being available to the viewer that connects with my explorations of my body through online interactions. Online I get honestly inquisitive questions that would make a lot of people uncomfortable if they were asked. I enjoy them. Translating that to real world interactions is a challenge. I'd like to develop conditions where the audience/viewer feels like they are just a friend asking me about my work while I continue to work instead of presenting myself as an artist with a barrier of mystery surrounding me and my work.