Dreams

This is an experimental post. It's 3:15am and I can't sleep. After lying in bed for a couple hours I decided to get up and write a post about my dreams and sleep issues. I'm just going to write what comes to my head and not go back and edit it. The point is to get what is in my floating in my head out so I can sleep. I usually do this in a note on my phone but the things floating in my head have been there many times before. I thought if I put them in a format that makes it possible for others to see them my brain would finally let them go. This will likely be difficult to follow and isn't intended to have any real meaning or impact on my reader. It's just a glimpse into my head.

I dream a lot. I guess more accurately, I remember a lot of my dreams. It seems more than the average person. I've often wondered if I have a sleep disorder. I wake up most nights, between 1am and 4am, from a dream that is very clear and usually bizarre. I stare into the darkness of my bedroom and try to figure out what the dream meant. Sometimes it obvious. It may be about an interaction I had the previous day or an issue that's been on my mind. Sometimes it's a repeat dream. I have one dream that I started having as a child. For over 30 years, about once a year, I dream about a very distinct apartment that I have never seen in real life with a dark figure in a dark doorway and two exits. I feel threatened and have to figure out which exit to try to get out. I am in different places in the living or kitchen which is one great room. Each has an exit. Occasionally I don't try to leave. I ignore the figure and pretend he isn't there. It always feels like a he. Anyway that wasn't the dream I had tonight. Tonight was a continuation from last night. It was clearer last night. I was in a building with a lot of people. Everyone was trying to get out but it wasn't a desperate crowd. It almost felt like they thought it was a game. There were counters that reminding me of the checkout at a department store. People were waiting in line to ask how to leave. I waited in one line. It took a long time to get through and I was getting increasingly frustrated. Someone saw I was not as at peace with the situation as the rest of the crowd and directed me to a door that seems like an employees area. I went through the door and it was a completely different kind of building. The first was very clean, brightly lit and organized rows of people. The area behind the door was old with giant wood beams that went from the ceiling all the way to floor in what seemed like random directions. It felt stable but not well planned. There were nooks of darkness that felt inhabited by people and possibly animals that did not want to be seen but did not feel like a threat. There were more people like me there. We started discussing not only how we were going to find a way out but also how we could help the people waiting patiently in line. The first night of my dream ended there. I woke up. I don't remember what time it was. I laid in bed and thought about the details. The longer I think about them the better I remember them. The second room was interesting. The details of the wood and how the structure stood seemed like it would make an interesting theatre set. But the mentality of the people in line was the most puzzling part of the dream. It seemed like that was where the issue that was making me have the dream lied.

Tonight when I woke up from the same dream it felt less clear. The rooms were foggy and the people felt further away. Thinking about the dream felt like grasping at something that was disappearing. It's possible new things happened but I was unable to grab the dream quick enough to hold it in my memory. Instead of thinking about the dream my brain was running. It was jumping from subject to subject like a little kid trying to get an adult's attention. When my brain is doing that it is very difficult to go back to sleep without writing something down. So these are the things my brain was bouncing on.

I have a friend that I no longer speak with regularly. We used to see each other almost daily when our children were young and we worked together. We met in elementary school. Her mother was the first person I knew that was openly a liberal. Being a liberal in southwest Missouri in the 1980s was a big deal. She was unapologetically for women's right to choose and had friends that were very different from my parents' friends. It felt almost like I was being bad just hanging out at her house with her daughter. I was very sheltered from reality in a strict Church of Christ home. I'm not sure how I was allowed to be friends with her daughter. Seems like a family my parents would have steered me away from. But my family was on the verge of falling apart at the time, I just didn't know it. As I'm lying in bed after waking up from the second night of this dream and situation at this friend's house from years ago kept popping into my thoughts. My brain would drop off a quick, "remember that hurricane Katrina silent auction? that was fucked up." and then throw a bunch of other thoughts at me that seem to have nothing to do with that auction. Then it would come back to the auction with a little more of the memory before going on to something else. Eventually I gained control of my thoughts by focusing on the events of that auction.

The Katrina auction took place at my friends house. She had a bunch of wealthy friends. A woman an her family had evacuated to our city when hurricane Katrina hit. The woman had nothing. My friend was raising money for her. I didn't have any money but my friend invited me to attend and bring something for the silent auction. I brought a couple paintings and some mini pumpkins that I painted funny faces on. It was a way for me to donate with my talents instead of the small amount of cash the supplies would cost me. My friends wealthy friends were assholes. I never liked them. She surrounded herself with wealthy republicans that saw themselves as better than everyone else because they had money. That is my current self looking back clearly after compiling all of my experiences with these people. At the time I thought some of them could be good people who genuinely wanted to help someone in need without focusing on how they could benefit off someone else's suffering. They never, over many years, ever gave me evidence to redeem them. I was always confused by why my friend, the daughter of the liberal, could be friends with these people. I tried to see the good in them because I knew my friend was a good person. When she invited me to events I went because I liked her and wanted to remain friends but I did not connect with any of her wealthy friends. It seemed more and more of her friends were all just wealthy assholes. I didn't fight with them but I did not blend in either. Eventually she quit inviting me. It was a relief.

The auction was successful. The woman was very appreciative for the help. I don't know how helpful it was because I never saw her at another event at my friend's house. After the auction on of my friend's closest wealthy friends was talking to me about the pumpkins I had painted. She had won them in the auction. I thanked her for buying them and hoped she would enjoy them. Then this woman wanted to know if she had gotten a deal. She was mad that I had not spent more than she had paid for the pumpkins on the supplies to make them. It was in this moment that it solidified in my brain that she was not a good person. I started questioning the entire premise of a silent auction to raise money. People and companies donate products and services then rich people "donate" money expecting to get a good deal on the item. The people with plenty of money, who could easily just give it to the charity or person, are looking for deals NOT an opportunity to help someone. It blew my mind. I was devastated that this woman was one of my friend's best friend. How did she become so important to my friend? I still don't understand it to this day.

Back to the dream. What all the drive by thoughts my brain was throwing at me were about was the power wealthy people have over everything. And that's how it works. I have a dream and when it's not a blatant connection to my previous day I lie in bed staring into the darkness while my brain attacks me until I find a common theme. Finding that theme usually requires me to write down the thoughts to get them to slow down. I am left with the feeling that my dream was about rebelling against the wealthy. The clean white walls of the original room are the box we are kept in while we wait our turn to be used and discarded by those making ridiculous amounts of money. I am not comfortable in that room and want a way out. I feel more comfortable in the awkward darkness outside the clean room lined with people patiently waiting. But the darkness still needs an exit and I did not see one in my dream. Although I didn't see one, there was a sense of hope that we can work together to find one. I didn't want to hide in the dark corners. I wanted to connect with and work with the people like me who want a way out of the disturbing calmness of the brightly lit clean room lines.

It would be nice if I could just get a good night's sleep. I do sometimes. Melatonin has helped a lot. Most nights I can immediately see the message in my dream and go back to sleep for another. At this point it would be weird to not remember a dream. I would think something was wrong with me. It's 5am. I'm lucky I can go back to bed and get some sleep without a need to wake up to an alarm. I am going to resist the urge to look back over what I wrote and make corrections. It's sleepy time. Wish me sweet dreams!