Creative Air

There have been many times in my life that I have tried to give up creating. Each time it felt like I was trying to remove part of myself. Throwing away my supplies was supposed to remove my access to the tools to feed my addiction. Addiction. That's how I thought about it. That's how it felt. My need to create stole my time from my family. My need to create distracted me from contributing in a meaningful way to community and loved ones. Each time I tried to cut off my creativity I felt empty. I felt disconnected from who I am. Unable to take a deep breath and calm myself. It felt as if I cut out my ability to exist. There were times I tired to combine my need to create with my desire to focus on my family and community. I dove into crafting projects for my children and went overboard on their birthday parties. I volunteered at our local community theatre, often treating it as a full time job. I was desperate to justify my need to create. I wanted to find a way to see my creativity as a positive attribute and not an addiction and drain on my family. It worked for a while. Eventually my children no longer wanted to do crafts and they wanted money instead of birthday parties. After being told volunteers don't usually stick around as long as I did, I knew I had also out stayed my welcome at the theatre. It was time for other mom's to get a chance to help. I refocused on getting my BFA and trying to justify the time and expense. I spent decades going back a forth between justifying my need to create and trying to stop creating.

It hurt me.

I now know the problem wasn't that my creativity was an addiction. It wasn't. It never was. My creativity is the core of who I am. It isn't a hobby. It isn't a talent that can be exploited as a job. I breathe creativity. It's my air. It travels through my veins and feeds my cells. It's in every aspect of my existence. It's the filter with which I view the world. It's always on. It controls my movements. It guides my thoughts. It communicates with me in my dreams. It doesn't matter if I want it or not. I must live with it or die trying to kill it.

There must be other people like me. I've never found someone who expressed an understanding of being all consumed by the need to create. I've looked at the work of some famous artists that make me feel as though they must have a similar existence. Other works look like they are more about training and mastered manipulation of the medium. One isn't better than the other. They are just different paths determined by the nature of the artist. But because our society is so focused on monetary success I suspect there are a lot of people more like me. Trying desperately to turn off part of who they are because it will never produce an income. Because it doesn't provide financially it is not considered important. It is written off as a hobby to be set aside until a retirement that may never come. They slowly suffocate because they have cut themselves off from the air they need to survive.

I'm trying to find a way to exist in this world that doesn't value creativity unless it consistently produces financial gain. I've considered allowing myself to be cast aside as a starving artist. Giving up the comforts of a warm home and nourishment for the opportunity to live as an artist. Sometimes it's actually appealing. People would expect less from me. But it would also mean hiding my poverty from my children and family so they don't worry about me. It would mean I cannot help my children or family when they need me. I would struggle to find housing, food, medical care, and with simple transportation. It would likely mean I would struggle to find the supplies I need to produce work. My biggest fear is becoming a burden on my children.

After finally finishing my BFA last December, I've considered getting my MFA and getting a job in the arts. Most art jobs require a master's degree. I think working somewhere in the field could feed my creative needs and I might still have time to create my own work. It might work. Looking for a school and building my cv is overwhelming. It feels like I need a marketing degree and marketing budget to sell myself as the best artist in the world. Which would be a lie. I don't want to lie. Lies complicate life in ways I just don't want to deal with. I know a lot of people who lie. People I love lie. It's not a moral thing. I don't think I'm better because I don't like to lie. It just isn't something I want to invest my time in. Keeping up with lies takes time and cuts off my ability to communicate well. Anyway...

The truth is, I am not the greatest artist in the world. I have some talent. I also have a lot of room for growth in my artistic skills. My biggest asset is my creativity. My mind is constantly thinking of new ways to see and do things. It is a constant chatter in my brain. I've never had a creative block. I do, however, get creative traffic jams. I get too many ideas to properly write them down or the time to follow through in bringing them to life before moving on to another idea. I drove my husband to the edge with projects around the house. I shared ideas of better ways to do things with people who did not care to listen. Now that I am done raising my kids, no longer own a house, and am looking to set up a life of my own, I need to find a way to live a creative life. I need to know how it feels to just focus on letting my creativity flow unhindered by obligations and guilt. But finding a way to that opportunity seems impossible. Our world just isn't set up for artists to reach their full potential unless they have a lot of financial support. I know some do but most don't. I'd like to know my full potential even though I will fall short of greatness. I want to take in a big breath and let my creativity take over. I'm just not sure how to make that happen.