Sometimes I overreact. It usually has to do with feeling like I have failed those I love. When that happens I turn the situation on myself. I identify everything I have done for myself and call it selfish and the reason I failed. Over the years I have taken on more and more responsibility for the health and happiness of those around me. I have been trying to let go of those responsibilities. It simply isn't my responsibility. I am only responsible for my own health and happiness. I can be beneficial in the lives of others but it should not be my focus over my own life. Even knowing this, it is difficult to let go of feeling responsible. When little yucky things happen that I could have prevented it is easier to get past them than the bigger things.
Ending my marriage has been the most challenging. Letting go of being in charge of my childrens' lives has been easier because it is my responsibility to let go and let them make their own lives and their own mistakes. I have been in charge of my husband for almost 30 years. I have helped him be a more effective communicator at work. I have encouraged him to do things that have lead to his most cherished experiences. I have helped him work through his mental issues. I have made sure he went to the doctor and spoke up about his needs. Letting go of the responsibility of guiding him has been challenging for both of us. He has made a lot of progress in taking responsibility for his own life over the last few years. His doctor visits have been hit and miss. He makes his own appointments and usually remembers to tell the doctor about his concerns but if he needs to check back with the doctor about something he tends to postpone it until his next scheduled visit. At our age, 50, there are screenings and things that need to be done to make sure nothing serious is developing. When I schedule mine I think about scheduling his but I know it isn't my responsibility. Instead I talk about mine and make sure it gets on his mind. I basically drop hints about things he needs to do instead of telling him to do them. He has been getting his done just a bit delayed from when I do mine.
One of screenings was done a little over a year after me. It really wasn't much of a delay but when his screening showed troubling results I felt a lot of guilt for not making sure it was done earlier. My mind fell down a rabbit hole of the worse case scenarios and scolding myself for putting what I wanted to do before taking care of him. I talked to him about the guilt I was feeling and I felt a bit better. When we got good news on his biopsy I felt a lot of relief. We don't know what will happen with his issue but the worst case scenarios aren't likely. As for me and how I dealt with it, I could have done better. I didn't put my stress on him but I did beat myself up pretty good. It was completely uncalled for. I do feel like I was turning around my internal negativity when we got the good news but I wish I could have dealt with it better before the relief of the news. I suppose just commenting on my poor response is me still being too hard on myself. I know I deserve better. I am working on treating myself better.
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